


Nightswimming

by MissSpookyEyes



Category: Star Wars Legends: The Old Republic (Video Game)
Genre: Ellezhi is Bad at Emotions, F/F, Lana Beniko is flawless, OC: Ellezhi, Time to Talk About Our Feelings, everybody gets naked, everybody gets wet, wild swimming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-18
Updated: 2020-02-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:13:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22790779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissSpookyEyes/pseuds/MissSpookyEyes
Summary: The base on Odessen is complete and the Alliance celebrates, but Lana thinks the Commander deserves a quiet night.(The conversation that my Barsen'thor/Outlander Ellezhi and Lana Beniko needed to have, instead of the in-game one in the cantina.)
Relationships: Lana Beniko/Female Jedi Consular | Barsen'thor
Comments: 6
Kudos: 59





	Nightswimming

The celebration in the cantina was muted, rather than festive or riotous. 

What they were doing here was still too strange, too untested, and the spectre of Arcann and the Eternal Fleet hung too heavily over their heads for unrestrained mirth. 

Still, wherever Ellezhi looked, she saw soldiers and smugglers and scientists and even the occasional Jedi or Sith congregating in small groups, and if they were mainly talking quietly among themselves, there were still smiles and the occasional ripple of laughter punctuating the conversations and the raising of glasses to lips. 

As she circled the room, inclining her head or raising her own untouched glass to acknowledge those who saluted her from a respectful distance, Ellezhi noticed some knots of people sticking to their 'own' kind - three Sith apprentices in a tight huddle, a small gang near the jukebox who were all members of different species but whose uniform sporting of tight pants, low-slung belts and colourful jackets proclaimed them to be some of Hylo's 'logistics specialists', a table of Jedi and Voss mystics all conspicuously drinking water and eyeing the mingled crowd with aloof disdain - but there were at least as many groups that looked to be distinctly mixed. In a dim corner, a group of troopers - some Imperial, some Republic - seemed to be taking on Len Parvek, Tora and the rest of Koth's crew at some kind of challenge which involved flipping credit chits into a full glass of lomin-ale, while a pair of Twi'lek she vaguely recognized from Doctor Oggurob's lab kept score. On a couch over by the east wall, one of Admiral Aygo's Bothan aides was enjoying the rapt attention of a pair of Imperial officers, and a whole gaggle of pilots - Republic, Imperial and smuggler - were packed tightly near the bar, making more noise than any other group, as their extravagant, swooping gestures proclaimed that they were outdoing each other in tales of daring aerial maneouvres. Everywhere she looked, in fact, she saw signs that the various disparate factions that made up their fledgling Alliance were, at least for one night, drawing few distinctions between themselves as they celebrated the completion of the base they had all contributed to building. It promised much.

Still, it was with a sense of relief that Ellezhi saw Koth chivvying his crew back to their duties, his patience - and the grace period he'd granted them - clearly exhausted. The longer she stayed, the harder it was to avoid the respectful invitations to join one group or another, and if Koth and the others were leaving, that meant she could follow suit without casting a damper over the festivities.

She handed her untouched glass to a nearby serving droid and headed for the door, scattering a last few nods and smiles. She had lost track of Lana earlier in the evening after their conversation, but it was not a total surprise when she found the Sith falling into step beside her as she climbed the short flight of steps to the cavernous hall that had become an informal marketplace.

'That went more smoothly than anticipated,' Lana said, with her usual lack of preamble. 'Everybody seemed to be in a mood to celebrate.'

'They have a lot to be proud of,' Ellezhi answered, raising a hand to acknowledge the stiff salute of C2-N2 as they crossed the marketplace. 'Still, I hope they don't celebrate too hard. There's a lot of work to be done in the morning.'

'The droids have strict orders to stop serving alcohol in just over an hour,' Lana said, checking her chronometer. 'And Hylo's people might have their own sources, but they also have Hylo to answer to. I don't think we need to be concerned about any drunken brawls breaking out overnight.'

'I should have known you would have thought of everything.'

'Naturally.'

Ellezhi was about to cross to the platform lift which would take her down to the war room when Lana cleared her throat and asked, 'Do you have anywhere to be right now?'

Ellezhi had planned to return to her quarters, read some reports, perhaps meditate for a while. 'Nowhere that can't wait.'

'There's a place I'd like to show you.' Lana's expression was inscrutable, as always, even as Ellezhi glanced at her in surprise. 'It's off-base, if you don't mind a short walk.'

Ellezhi barely hesitated. 'Not at all.'

Lana vouchsafed no further clue to their destination or her reasons for wanting to take Ellezhi there, simply turned and led the way to the right, away from the lift and along the platform that skirted the lip of the ravine. At this hour, it was quieter than it would have been during the day, but there were still plenty of personnel on duty - officers manning the sensor stations, mechanics and workmen attending to repairs and snaking refuelling cables over the ferracrete - to see the two women walk past. Some stared openly; others, mainly those whose uniforms proclaimed them to be ex-Imperial, sneaked sidelong glances, as if taught by painful experience not to do anything that might draw attention to themselves in the presence of a Sith. All of the looks, brazen or furtive, shared one thing: Curiosity.

Ellezhi's own was very much awakened. Since the moment she had opened her eyes, still heavy from the poisoned carbonite trance, and seen Lana Beniko's face, Ellezhi had been drawn aside by Lana many times, but every time it had been to hear vital information, to urgently assure each other of their next move or snatch a few frantic moments to align their strategy in the face of a new danger. Any moment of peace they had managed to carve out had been short-lived and too precious to be spent in exchanging anything but the gravest communications. Since arriving on Odessen, the pace of events had slackened slightly once they were no longer under more or less constant threat and attack, but the work of building and securing the base, of welding together the disparate groups minute by minute to coordinate their efforts, had absorbed them both as surely as battle and kept them apart much of the time. Even tonight, when Ellezhi had asked to talk to Lana at the celebration with the intention of thanking her Sith advisor and acknowledging her impressive skills in bringing together this new Alliance, they had spoken of destiny instead, of Arcann and the battles to come, and the thanks had somehow never been said. Ellezhi knew Lana wouldn't call on her time and attention lightly, but Lana's presence in the Force carried none of the heightened, jagged awareness that came with imminent danger. Like Lana's face, it gave little away.

Her awareness was recalled to her surroundings as a nearby mechanic tripped over a coil of cable because he was staring open-mouthed at Ellezhi. Caught off guard, Ellezhi was surprised to feel a stab of irritation quite disproportionate to the stimulus. She controlled her features and gave the mechanic and his colleague, both of them still staring as they disentangled themselves from the nest of cable now thickening around their ankles, a friendly nod, but although she knew she had not let her sudden annoyance show on her face, she was still worried about her own reaction. It wasn't as if she hadn't been stared at with varying degrees of awe and fear and hungry hope and hopeful desperation and desperate hunger on a thousand different Republic bases, on a hundred different worlds; it was part of being a Jedi, the way that people looked at you when they knew you had done things they thought impossible. And yet, since they had been on Odessen, the stares - itched. 

Perhaps she was just tired after the celebration.

Ellezhi was not sorry to step out on to the deserted bridge and away from the main body of the base. She had not been across the bridge, apart from a brief inspection shortly after its construction; she had thought then what a very beautiful world Odessen was, with its deep, shadowed ravines and hilltop crags so thickly clothed with evergreen trees. Tonight, of course, there was nothing to see but darkness, but she found that oddly soothing, like the cool breeze that brushed her face along with the occasional soft wing of one of Odessen's pale gold moths as they fluttered towards the lamps that cast pools of light upon the bridge.

The thick forest that Ellezhi knew stretched for miles on the other side of the ravine had been cut back at the foot of the bridge to ensure any attacker would be spotted in plenty of time by the sentries posted there, but Lana  
made straight for the treeline. Ellezhi followed, and found herself following Lana down a path that wound between the trees, narrow enough that they had to walk in single file. Lana illuminated the torch on her wrist and sent a thin beam of light down the path ahead of her, but Ellezhi's Chiss eyes adjusted quickly and she was able to see well enough to avoid the stones and tree roots and uneven ground that might otherwise have caused her to stumble. 

'You could ask where we're going,' Lana remarked after they had been walking for a few minutes.

Ellezhi smiled into the darkness. 'Why? So you can enjoy not telling me?'

She heard Lana laugh quietly.

As they walked, Ellezhi felt something inside her that she had barely known to be tightly coiled start to slacken and unwind. How long had it been, since she had been away from transparisteel and duracrete and the roar of engines and the glare of neon lights? Not since the Endless Swamp on Zakuul, and those strange, feverish - hours? days? - with the mud sucking at her boots and the smell of wet, rotting vegetation in her nostrils and enemies coming at them from all sides hardly compared to this velvety darkness that carried the clean scent of pine, alive with the busy silence of Odessen's nocturnal mammals. She could almost have been back on Tython, back in her old life, the one separated from her by those five poisoned years, except that Tython, perhaps because it was so familiar, felt ... tamed, felt trodden, despite its dangers. Here, it felt new; she and Lana might have been the first to walk this path, to know the sounds of the forest in the night. She glanced up as they crossed a small clearing, and saw a sky bursting with strange stars.

As she luxuriated in the awareness of being surrounded by so much life which demanded so little from her, she picked up two humanoid minds, islands of dutiful alertness, somewhere ahead of her, and a few moments later Lana spoke. 

'We're coming up on the outermost defensive perimeter. We'll need to tell the guards we're going out into the forest and not returning for at least a couple of hours; we don't want an overzealous sentry raising the alarm if we aren't back for a while. Will you speak to them?'

Ellezhi frowned. 'Are you worried they'll think you're abducting me?'

'Indulge me.'

'All right.' The guard posts were well concealed on either side of the path on the far side of a large clearing, and the uptick in alertness that ripped through the Force told Ellezhi that their approach had been picked up in good time; the sentries were not dozing at their posts. One, a young Republic troooper with a shock of sandy hair, levelled his blaster rifle as they drew closer, while his helmeted Imperial comrade stayed scanning the other direction.

'Who goes there?'

Ellezhi saw his eyes start to widen as she stepped out of the deep darkness under the trees, Lana at her side. 'At ease, soldier.'

'C-commander!' he all but gasped, staring at her in undisguised awe. Behind him, Ellezhi saw the Imperial's head whip half-round to stare at them before he recollected he was supposed to be watching the other direction. 'I - we - nobody said - inspection -'

'This isn't an inspection,' Ellezhi reassured him. 'We have something to investigate off-base. We'll check back in with this post on our way back.'

He goggled at her, but responded: 'Yes, ma'am. Sir. Commander. Would you - can we escort you?' he added as they walked past him.

'Thank you, but that won't be necessary. As you were.'

She could hear the trooper fumbling with his rifle as he hurried to salute behind her.

The path more or less ended past the guard post, but Lana seemed to know where she was going, threading her own route through the trees, and Ellezhi once more followed her lead. After they had gone far enough that their voices would not be audible to the soldiers behind them, she asked: 'What was that about?'

'Those soldiers probably haven't seen you in person since they arrived on Odessen, at least not close up. It's good for them to see the commander. Speak to you. See you're real.'

'Oh.' Ellezhi tried to remember if she had seen the young sentry before; there had been so many faces. 'I thought I picked up a Corellian accent?'

'It's very possible,' Lana replied. 'A high proportion of recruits from both sides came from Corellia. Apparently your exploits there created quite an impression.'

Ellezhi thought back to her time on Corellia. She remembered desperation, more than anything; racing from place to place trying to keep up with the First Son, a frantic scramble to get to him and his minions before they could take more lives. Streets filled with rubble and bodies she didn't dare stop to tend to. She didn't think her lightsaber had stayed un-ignited for more than a handful of hours her entire time on the planet. Yes, she had won her battles, but was that really enough of a reason for men and women to leave their posts and follow her? Did that make a leader? 'I suppose they must have.'

Lana stopped and turned to face her; the beam from her wrist torch swept across her face as she folded her arms, and in its light Ellezhi saw a slight frown on Lana's delicate features before they were swallowed in darkness again. 'No reason to sound so unsure. They came because of you, after all.'

'For me,' Ellezhi corrected, and her tone lashed out far sharper than she intended it to. 'They came for me. They came because of you.'

She could no longer see Lana's expression, but there was a ripple of surprise and hurt through the Force that made Ellezhi wince before Lana swiftly got her emotions under control again. 'You almost sound as if you expect me to apologize,' she said, her tone detached, as if pointing out some object of mild interest in the distance. She turned away. 'Come on. It isn't far.'

Ellezhi followed close behind Lana, her emotions in sudden turmoil again. She reached for serenity, but could not force the urgent tug of guilt to release its grip on her. Although she knew she had only spoken a little more sharply than usual, for her it was almost as shocking as if she had reached out and slapped Lana; worse, she knew that Lana was sufficiently attuned to her to feel it as she did. She very rarely lost control of her even tone like that, and never outside some highly-charged setting like a battle or duel. It was all of a piece with the unusual annoyance she had been feeling with the way everybody on Odessen kept staring at her, but to lash out at Lana, of all people ... 

Ducking to follow Lana beneath a low-hanging branch, Ellezhi drew breath to speak, knowing she needed to apologize but uncertain where to begin - then let it out involuntarily in a long sigh. 'Oh, Lana.'

'I thought you'd like it.'

The trees had suddenly given way. At their feet, thick grass that would have been a rich green by daylight had replaced the leaf litter and loam of the forest. Ellezhi saw tiny flowers threaded through the sward as it sloped down towards a wide crescent of pale silver sand, studded here and there with outcrops of rock, Odessen's jagged shapes worn smoother, rounder. Beyond that, a pool, maybe thirty feet across, with golden moths dancing above the surface, in love with the moon reflected on the glassy surface. Roughly tear-shaped, fringed with tall grasses and leaves on the near side where the forest came down to meet it except for the stretch of sandy shore, on the far side the pool was enclosed by rock, and a slender thread of white water tumbled into it from the cliff above. 

Ellezhi could tell just looking at it that the pool was a plunge pool, deep enough for diving, the water flowing fast enough to be fresh and cold and keep from growing stagnant, but not too fast to tug a swimmer towards the narrow outlet at the far end; it was more than wide enough to allow for swimming back and forth without having constantly to turn or guard against rocks, but not so wide that one wouldn't feel held, cupped, by the cliff and the forest. It was, in other words - 

'It's perfect.' Drawn by the water like a magnet - how long had it been since she had been able to swim anywhere, much less outside in the open air? - Ellezhi started down the slope, Lana following. She saw as she drew nearer that the sandy shore was not, like the rest of the scene, untouched; two big sections of fallen tree had been brought there, arranged at an angle to each other around what was unmistakably a shallow pit for a fire, ringed by flat stones. A pile of logs was next to it, and another of neatly stacked kindling. And were those blankets - ? 'You planned this.'

'You make it sound so accusatory. I simply thought you might enjoy swimming here.'

'And how long have you been simply thinking that?' The sand crunched under her boots as she stepped on to it; she couldn't wait to feel it between her bare toes.

'Since we arrived on Odessen.'

'I admire your patience. If I knew this place was here, I'd never have been able to stay away from it.' 

'That's why I waited for the right moment.'

Ellezhi was already unfastening her armour straps when a thought struck. 'Wait - how did you know I like wild swimming?' She turned to face Lana. 'I'm certain that information wasn't in any Intelligence report, even one of yours.'

Lana hesitated fractionally. 'You spoke a great deal about it. When you were ... injured. On the Gravestone.'

Ellezhi frowned. She remembered nothing between collapsing on the bridge and waking up days later to Lana's concerned face, beyond a vague sensation of dark dreams. 'I did?'

'You talked a lot while semi-conscious. It was the medication.'

'And I talked about swimming?'

'Repeatedly. You seemed to be pleading with someone - a Sister someone. You kept begging her to take you swimming.'

'Sister Devoto.' The name seemed to arrive from out of the very depths. 'She was one of the Caretakers attached to the Jedi Temple on Iode. She looked after me and the other younglings. I haven't thought about her in years.' Ellezhi smiled faintly. 'She taught us to swim, in the river near the temple. The other children were mostly humans, a couple of Twi'leks, a Togruta ... they used to complain because it was too cold, even in summer. But I loved it. I used to beg her and beg her to take us there, every day, until -'

'What?'

Ellezhi had never envisioned telling anyone this. 'Until one day, I must have been bothering her more than usual, and I heard her say to one of the other Caretakers: "The little Chiss certainly loves the water." It was the first time I ever remember being conscious that I was different from the others, hearing her say that. Not "Ellezhi" or "youngling" but "the Chiss".' She finally loosened the last strap of her shoulder armour, letting it drop to the ground. 'I stopped bothering her to take us swimming after that.'

'That's a shame,' Lana said quietly.

Ellezhi shrugged, bending to unclasp her boots. 'She was always very kind to me. I shouldn't have placed such importance on some overheard words.' That memory had always held a sting, and a tug of distant sadness for the child she had once been. She took hold of the hem of her tunic to pull it over her head, then noticed that Lana was making no move to remove her own clothes. 'You're not coming in?'

'At the risk of sounding like your Sister, it's a little cold for me. I'll be building up the fire.'

Ellezhi shook her head, continuing to disrobe. 'You don't know what you're missing.'

'I've been to Hoth, thank you. I know exactly what hypothermia feels like.' Lana held out her hands. 'I'll guard your clothes. We don't want some shade stalker running off with them.'

'You did say the troops should see more of me.'

'You walking back to base naked wasn't what I had in mind. At least not until morale gets really low.' Lana nodded towards the fallen trees and fire circle. 'I'll be over there. Enjoy.'

As Lana turned away, Ellezhi, finally naked, ran the last few steps to the water's edge. A lifelong habit of caution forced her to slow down and step in cautiously at first, feeling with one foot and then the other, but once she was satisfied by how steeply the sandy bottom was dropping away, she abandoned herself to impatience and pushed off into a shallow dive.

The shock of the cold water drove everything else from her mind and for a few glorious moments she was all body, all muscle and tingling skin. She paused near the centre of the pool, took a deep breath of the night air, then let herself sink. As the water closed over her head, she propelled herself downwards with her palms, feeling for the bottom with her toes; she felt the slight graze of what felt like rock, then pushed herself upwards again to air almost warm on her face after the clean, biting cold of the water. She struck out for the farthest shore, getting into the familiar rhythm of it, turning her head to breathe and glimpsing the moonlight silvering her arm before her hand turned to knife through the water, her legs propelling her forward. Too soon, she found the farthest edge of the pool, not far from the waterfall; she placed both her palms on Odessen's rock, listening to the boiling and hissing of the water's plunge into the pool, so much louder here. Then she planted both feet on the rock and pushed off again, on her back this time, her body cleaving the water like an arrow as her arms rose and fell above her head.

As her fingertips scraped sand and rock at the southern edge, she twisted again and struck out for the shore now opposite, letting it all slide away from her, all the tension, all the duties, all the weight, all of it loosening and dissolving in the pull and push of limbs through the water, the water that pushed and pulled at her yet made room for her, which held her but released her ...

She swam swiftly from one side to the other until her body was generating its own warmth with the wild rushing of her blood through her veins, then dived, trying like a child to cross the whole length without having to come up for air. Closing her eyes against the sting of the water, driving herself as far down as she could, she felt her palms skim supple fronds at the bottom of the pool; something lived here. Reaching out, she felt them in the Force, seeing them in her mind's eye as tiny darts of gold, silver, red, living their urgent lives down in the darkness, not knowing there was an interloper from another world observing them, not knowing she didn't belong.

She left it as long as she could before reluctantly surfacing. Gasping for air, pushing back the hair that had come loose from its tie and plastered itself to her forehead, she saw the red glow of the fire that Lana had made, and swam closer to the sandy shore. 

'Having fun?' Lana called to her, amusement in her voice.

'I am, actually,' Ellezhi called back. Lana had got the fire going well, its flames blazing brightly in the darkness; sparks drifted out over the pool.

'Good.' Lana turned away from the fire and sat down on one of the tree trunks, facing out over the pool. With her back to the flames, she was a silhouette, the details of her face mysterious.

Ellezhi let the silence stretch out for a minute as she trod water, reluctant to leave the pool yet. 'So,' she said at last, drifting nearer the shore as she kept herself afloat with small, languid strokes of hands and feet. 'Is this where you tell me why you brought me out here?'

'I already did.'

'Mmmm-hmm. You just wanted me to have a nice swim and to relax by the fire and you weren't at all going to interrogate me about, oh, my state of mind, how I'm holding up -'

'I'll admit I thought it might be a good opportunity for us to talk privately. If there was anything you wanted to talk about. But -' she paused, and Ellezhi heard her sigh. 'I meant what I said in my letter,' she continued, more softly. 'You've been through ... Well, "hell" barely seems adequate. And I've been pushing you since you woke up. I won't push now.'

For a few minutes there was silence except for the crackling of the fire and the soft rippling of the water. 'I don't know what to tell you,' she said at last.

Lana leaned forwards, supporting herself with her elbows on her knees. 'You don't have to tell me anything.'

'But you know. How I'm feeling.' Ellezhi could feel Lana's eyes on her, and just at the moment, she wasn't sorry that she couldn't see the details of her expression. It was bad enough being under that calm golden gaze.

'You've been through so much,' Lana said quietly.

'And you haven't? Koth? Theron? Senya?' Ellezhi heard her voice getting louder, her tone rougher; she could feel it gathering under her skin again, that uncharacteristic prickling of irritation, that desire to lash out. Determined not to let it get the better of her this time, she took a deep breath and pushed herself downwards in the water with a forceful upward movement of her palms. She let the water close over her head, pushed herself down until her toes grazed the bottom again, not so deep nearer the shore; for a minute, she held herself suspended there by force of will, channeling all that lurking emotion into the fight of her body against the pressure of the water wanting to force her upwards again. 

When she could no longer hold her breath, Ellezhi let herself surface again. Lana hadn't moved. 

'I thought I'd be feeling better by now,' Ellezhi said eventually. Her tone was level again. 'When you brought me here and I saw the work that had to be done, setting up the base, hammering out the Alliance, I thought: "Now I'm going to feel like myself again." Like I did when I was working with the Rift Alliance. True Jedi work: Building something, bringing people together.' She focused on keeping her neck and shoulders relaxed, refusing to let the tension creep in again; it was easier in water. 'I was so sure that if I just had time to meditate, work I could feel good about, I'd be ... myself again.'

Lana was silent.

'I don't understand why I feel like this.' Ellezhi couldn't stop the frustration creeping into her voice. 'I know how to grieve. I miss my crew, and my old life, but I've trained all my life to let go of the past and focus on the present.'

'Perhaps it's the present that's the problem.'

Ellezhi snorted, spluttering a little as she swallowed a little water. 'You could say that.' Despite her best efforts, it was welling up in her again - the desire to lash out at Lana, to shout, to scream, to hurt ...

'You can let it out,' Lana said softly. 'We're miles from base. There's nobody to hear you; you can shout and scream and curse at me if you want.'

It was tempting, too tempting. Ellezhi forced herself to swallow the words rising in her throat. There was barely a tremor in her voice when she said, 'That's not me.' She took a deep breath. 'And I'm sorry for how I spoke to you before. I don't usually lose my temper like that.'

'Yes, that was uncharacteristic,' Lana noted clinically. 'Don't misunderstand me, you'd still be the calmest person within seventy light years of Korriban. But it's not like you to lose that insufferable serenity of yours.'

'I just wish you wouldn't refuse to give yourself credit for the Alliance. You built it, not me.'

'We all built it together.'

'I'm talking about before that. All the work, all the planning, all the coordination - by the Force, Lana, there were hundreds of people waiting for us when we landed! Hundreds! And it wasn't me who reached out to them, who convinced them to leave their homes and their duties and careers and risk everything to fight Zakuul. And it wasn't me who found Odessen, and it wasn't me who recruited the specialists, and it wasn't me who invaded Zakuul with a single ship and pulled off the single riskiest gambit this galaxy has just about ever seen and stole Arcann's greatest prize from beneath his nose. It was you. All this -' Ellezhi gestured with one arm, sending droplets scattering across the water's surface from her wet skin - 'was you.'

'So we make a good team.'

'Lana.' Ellezhi wanted to shake her. 'This is your Alliance, not mine. And you're as much its leader as I am. Maybe more.'

'No,' Lana said flatly.

'Lana -'

'Nobody came here for Lana Beniko. Yes, I put the word out, but that word was your name.' Lana pointed back at the base. 'Those people didn't come because you killed the Emperor. They came because of what you did on Balmorra, on Hoth, on Corellia. Republic soldiers whose impossible battles you won. Imperials whose lives you spared. They came for the Barsen'thor, for the Hero of Corellia, Warden of the Jedi Order -'

'And what if that's not who I am any more?'

'What do you mean?'

'Arcann beat me, Lana!' It was out, the words Ellezhi had been unable to swallow, unable to speak. 'He beat me,' Ellezhi repeated more quietly. 'Twice on Asylum, he had me at his mercy. I fought as hard as he could and he beat me. If HK hadn't sacrificed himself - if you hadn't got there in time - he would have killed me.' She looked away into the darkness of the forest; somewhere beyond it was the base, full of lights and people and noise, even at this time of the night. Humming with hope. 'Those people came to fight with us because they believe I can destroy Arcann, but I failed, Lana.' She swallowed, her throat tight. 'I failed.'

There was a long moment of silence. 

'You're reading too much into it,' Lana said bracingly. 'You were barely out of the carbonite, and Arcann has some way of connecting to the Force that we've never seen before. You weren't ready.'

'That's not it and you know it.' Ellezhi let herself bob a little lower in the water, let it cool her flushed cheeks. 'You fought beside me before. You studied my battles before we even met. You know I'm not the same.'

There was a pause as if Lana was trying to think of a way out of admitting the truth, before she said, reluctantly: 'Yes, you're different. I've seen it with my own eyes, felt it. You're as strong as ever. But you're ... holding back.' As if to take the sting out of her words, she added: 'But I still think you're reading too much into it. You've been through so much and it's still so fresh. You need to rest - to meditate -'

'That's what I've been doing since we got to Odessen, and it hasn't changed anything.' Ellezhi looked up at the stars. 'I used to - before the carbonite - I used to go into battle so ... certain. Not certain of victory, just ... I just knew that I would give everything I had to the battle, that I would fight with everything in me, and if it wasn't enough - if I lost - I would become one with the Force and another Jedi would take up the fight. I didn't even have to know it, that's how deep it went. It was just ... fact. In my bones, every part of me, the certainty. I would give everything I had to the battle and if I lost, if I died, it would be with nothing to regret.' She almost felt tears pricking at her eyes at the memory of that vanished security, her invisible armour.

'And now?'

'Now, if I lose, who's going to take up my fight? There aren't a long line of Jedi standing behind me any more, Lana. The Jedi were defeated and they fled. And I know that you wouldn't have risked everything to come after me like you did if there were many other candidates for the role of defeater of Arcann. Besides, if I lose now ...'

'Yes?'

'If I lose now, it will be because I rejected Valkorion's help.' Ellezhi stared into the darkness, unseeing. 'I told you he speaks to me, but ... You don't know what it's like. I'll be fighting, and suddenly everything goes cold and grey and he's there, speaking to me between one heartbeat and the next, offering me his power.'

'You must reject him.'

'That's what I've been doing. And HK died. And you -' Ellezhi didn't want to say this, but she couldn't stop. 'He spoke to me in the swamp on Zakuul, when we were trying to get the Gravestone in the air. We were fighting the Knights, and I had my back to you, and he stopped time and showed me - You were disarmed, and there was a Knight about to strike you down. You were going to die and he offered me the power to save you and I - I turned it down.' Ellezhi closed her eyes for a second, wishing she could sink down into the water again; Lana was still and silent. 'You could have died, Lana. You would have died if Senya hadn't come, and I would have let it happen. I know accepting Valkorion's help is the path to the Dark Side, I know it absolutely, but what if it's also the only way to defeat Arcann? What if I keep making that same choice and refusing to accept him, and we lose? What right do I have to value my moral purity over the lives of hundreds of thousands of people?' 

The words were tumbling out of her, and she let them; there was a glorious relief in it. 'And what if I don't get to make the decision? He's listening to all of this, you know that. What if I'm just handing him weapons, making him stronger with my own doubts and fears so that he can take control of my mind and body without needing my consent? What if all he needs is for me to let my guard down, just once? How can I let go and fight freely with this - this serpent lurking in my mind?'

She stopped, panting slightly, breathless with the long, frantic speech she'd delivered.

There was a long silence. Then Lana shifted her position, sitting up straighter, and said: 'So ... just a few things on your mind then.'

The laugh that bubbled up surprised them both. 'Just a few.' Ellezhi flipped over on her back and swam a few metres, staring up at the sky; the sheer relief of having given utterance to all the thoughts she'd been trying so hard to suppress and control for weeks now made her feel giddy, light-headed almost; it was like she had suddenly thrown an immense weight off her back. She would have to shoulder it again soon, but now, just now, she felt light as a feather. She kicked up a spray, enjoying the noisy spatter of it across the surface, then jacknifed her body and dived backwards, letting the Force help her execute a long, lazy flip through the water.

'Yes, a thorny conundrum,' Lana said clinically when Ellezhi surfaced again. 'Do let me know if there's anything I can do to help.'

Ellezhi grinned, treading water again. 'You could come and swim with me.'

'I thought I'd made my stance on hypothermia clear,' Lana said dryly, turning away to build up the fire again, the flames having died down during their conversation. 

'Come on,' Ellezhi coaxed. 'You don't know how good the water feels until you're in. It wakes you up all over.'

'I can maintain a state of alertness without needing to get freezing cold and soaking wet, thank you,' Lana said, still bent over the fire.

Ellezhi leaned back a little in the water and concentrated. 'What if you were already wet? Would you come in then?'

Lana stiffened, and twisted to look back over her shoulder at Ellezhi treading water in the pool. Then she raised her eyes to look above her head, at the rough globe of water revolving slowly in the air above her. 'Let that fall,' she said almost conversationally, 'and I assure you, no considerations of galactic freedom will prevent my revenge from being both swift and deadly.'

Ellezhi smiled, keeping the sphere of water she had channeled out of the pool suspended above Lana's head. 'You'd have to come in here to get me.'

'Oh, I can strike at a distance.'

'Not before getting very wet, you can't.' Ellezhi made the sphere bob a little lower. 

With the light on Lana's face from the fire, she could see the Sith's golden eyes flick from her to the sphere of water. 'Very well. I will swim in that vile ice bath for precisely five minutes. But only if you guarantee my clothes will remain absolutely dry.'

Ellezhi pretended to consider it, then smiled. 'Agreed.' She pulled the globe back towards the pool, drifting it back over the water's surface until it was suspended above her upturned face, then let it drop. Through the roaring of water in her ears as it burst on her head, slapping her skin and drenching her hair and face afresh, she heard Lana say, 'Jedi masochist.'

'Pampered Sith,' Ellezhi shot back. She could see Lana beginning to take off her clothes, and averted her gaze. She hadn't felt self-conscious herself being naked in front of Lana, but she didn't know if the other woman would feel the same way.

Lana was stripping off in record time, clearly determined to spend as little time exposed to the night air as possible. 

'Don't forget to set the chrono,' Ellezhi called sweetly, still keeping her gaze averted. She heard Lana moving down to the water's edge, then a hissed stream of curses, and glanced up long enough to see that the Sith, her body gleaming pale in the moonlight, had placed one foot in the water and was standing stock still with her eyes closed and an expression of deep disgust on her face.

'It's better if you do it all at once,' Ellezhi encouraged her. 'It's deep enough to dive after a couple of feet -'

Lana held up one hand to silence her. 'You coerced me into this, let me take it at my own pace.' She took another step in, grimacing.

'I take it you don't have many rivers and lakes on Dromund Kaas.'

'Oh, there are,' Lana said, gingerly taking another step so that the water was up to her knees. 'Just not ones you'd want to step in with your skin exposed, unless you had no further use for your blood.' She took two more steps, then braced herself and sank to her haunches. 'Gah!'

Ellezhi wrinkled her nose. 'You do know how to swim, right?'

'Of course I know how to swim,' Lana said, her haughty tone only mildly marred by shivering as she scooped water up and over her shoulders and upper arms, trying to acclimatise herself to the temperature. 'By the age of six I could master the roughest waves an indoor, heated pool can generate.'

'Haven't you ever swum outside before?'

Lana shot her a scornful look. 'I once swam across a river with a squadron of operatives to infiltrate a fortress on Yuuv Rata when both moons were in eclipse. But I never pretended to enjoy it.' She closed her eyes and pushed off, driving her head beneath the water briefly as she struck out towards the centre of the pool, then bobbed up again and let loose with a string of Sith profanities Ellezhi had never heard and could only make out about every third syllable of, in between the hisses and snarls.

'That's it,' Ellezhi said encouragingly. 'Come on, it's glorious once you get moving.'

Lana glared at her with one golden eye, the other hidden beneath the soaking hair plastered across her forehead. 'The very second the galaxy is liberated, Jedi, you will pay for this,' she said menacingly.

'I'll take my chances. Race you to the cliff?'

'You may follow in my wake.'

Ellezhi laughed quietly as Lana, looking the picture of affronted dignity, set off towards the other side of the pool. She followed meekly at Lana's shoulder as they swam from side to side across the pool, adapting her pace to Lana's; every time they paused before turning, she saw Lana shivering and grimacing, although Ellezhi suspected it was more for effect than anything, just as she strongly suspected Lana was sending a good deal more water into her face as they swum than was strictly necessary.

After maybe ten brisk circuits of the pool, Ellezhi suddenly realized Lana wasn't ahead of her any more; she turned to see that the other woman had stopped in the middle of the water and was treading water, her face upturned to the stars. Ellezhi smiled and swam to join her, stopping perhaps an arms' length away and treading water herself. 'You see? Once you get the blood flowing, it's bliss.'

'It's freezing and you are clearly addicted to torture,' Lana said flatly.

'Whatever you say,' Ellezhi said meekly.

Lana's eyes narrowed very slightly, and a slow smile curved her lips. 'You could offer to warm me up, you know.'

Ellezhi blinked. 'Oh?'

Lana drew nearer to Ellezhi in the water, her hands sliding up the Chiss woman's arms towards her shoulders, their legs brushing against each other's underneath the surface - Ellezhi could almost feel Lana's breath on her parted lips ...

Ellezhi sensed Lana's intentions a second before the Sith struck, gripping Ellezhi's shoulders firmly and pushing her suddenly down under the water. Ellezhi squirmed in Lana's grasp as she tried not to laugh and inhale water, reaching out to tickle Lana's sides to force her to let her go, but she held on ruthlessly until Ellezhi couldn't hold her breath any longer and then, at the last second, let her go.

'Consider that a down payment on my vengeance,' Lana said triumphantly as Ellezhi surfaced, spluttering and gasping and laughing. 'And that,' she added as a piping beep came from the shore near the fire, 'is your five minutes gone.' She immediately struck out towards the shore, tossing over her shoulder, 'I am going to get warm by the fire. Once you're done icing your veins in this vacuum-cold torture chamber, I may consider letting you join me.'

Ellezhi smiled, taking her time in following Lana across the pool. It was getting cold, and the ache in her muscles did say that she had stayed long enough in the water. Still, it was with reluctance that she finally got to her feet in the shallows, feeling the curious heaviness as her body, freed of the buoyancy of the water, had to take its own weight again. 

Lana was drying herself off with a towel, and doing such a brisk job of it that she was already into underwear, trousers and socks by the time Ellezhi trudged up the shore towards her. 'Here,' she said, flinging the towel at Ellezhi. 'I didn't envisage us both getting wet, so you've only got yourself to blame for having to share a towel.'

Ellezhi towelled herself off quickly and pulled on her own clothes as Lana poked up the fire. The Sith had, like Ellezhi, dressed in tunic and trousers again, but not yet put on her armour; it was the first time Ellezhi had actually ever seen her without that familiar complement of gauntlets and pauldrons and the rest of it, and it was surprising how much smaller and slighter Lana looked without it, her wet hair slicked back from her delicate features. She wondered as she finished dressing, following Lana's example and leaving off her armour, how different at this particular moment she herself looked from the image she usually presented.

'Would you like some tea?' Lana asked, producing an insulated container from somewhere as Ellezhi held up the towel before the fire to start it drying.

'How thoroughly did you plan this?' Ellezhi asked, impressed. 'Are you about to produce a four-course Mantellan banquet from underneath that log?'

'Oh, I thought you already ate.'

Ellezhi smiled. 'You're a marvel. And yes, I would like some tea.' She spread the towel over the other tree trunk and sat down next to Lana, where the Sith had spread the blanket out in a silent invitation, accepting the cup that Lana offered her. 'Thank you.'

She sat in silence for a minute, sipping her tea - it was delicious; fresh and earthy with an undercurrent of something warming which seemed to pool underneath her skin and dispel the chill of the night air - as Lana poured herself a cup and replaced the thermal container near the fire, wedging it into place between a couple of rocks. 

'So,' Lana said after they had sat sipping their tea for a few minutes in silence, 'I take it you feel better now.'

'You mean after ranting unrestrainedly about my problems like a self-indulgent adolescent?'

'Not quite how I would have put it.'

Ellezhi smiled. 'I do feel better. Lighter. It's a relief to have told somebody else, and I don't think I could have told anybody else but you.' She cradled her cup in both hands, letting it warm them. 'But it hasn't solved anything, has it?'

'I suppose not,' Lana said non-commitally.

'After all, it's not as if I've had the benefit of anybody's wise advice.' Ellezhi glanced sidelong at Lana. 'Or anybody's offered any sage counsel or comforting insights into my situation ...'

Lana lifted up her hand, and the thermal container wriggled free of the rocks and floated into it. She took her time unscrewing the lid and pouring them both cups of tea, and then replacing the container by the fire before saying, 'I can tell you what I've been thinking, if you want me to. But I don't think you're going to like it.'

'I'd like to hear it.'

'Very well.' Lana sipped her tea, shifting position to settle herself more comfortably. 'If you must know, I was thinking that the Jedi are even more arrogant than I once believed.'

Ellezhi had just taken a large sip from her own tea; she inhaled in shock, and choked. 'Arrogant? The Jedi? Me?' she spluttered, coughing, her eyes watering. 'I - that's absurd! Jedi are humble, it's the Sith who -' She saw the look in Lana's eyes, and subsided. 'I'm sorry. Go on.'

'Jedi,' Lana said dryly, 'not long after we met, I formed the conclusion that you were one of the most arrogant beings I had ever encountered. And nothing that has happened since has made me reassess.'

Ellezhi stared at her. 'I thought you liked me when we met.'

'Oh, I did. At least, after we spent a little time working together. But that doesn't mean I didn't find it infuriating, the way you share space with others, the way you talk to them -'

'I don't understand,' Ellezhi protested. 'I'm always respectful towards others. I'm always humble. I never try to exploit my status -'

Lana snorted. 

'What?' Ellezhi demanded, frustrated.

'Oh, you're very respectful. Polite to a fault. You never command when you can ask, even though you are in command and everybody knows it.' Lana shook her head. 'I remember what you were like on Rishi, the way you walked around our base of operations and spoke to Theron and the others. Walking so softly, never using the Force if you could help it, speaking so sweetly to everyone, always quick to volunteer for any menial task - damping down your aura as much as you could to be as non-threatening as possible -'

'I didn't want to intimidate anybody!'

Lana arched an eyebrow. 'Because if people knew how powerful you really are, they would all be so terrified of you?'

'I -' Ellezhi stopped short, unable to dismiss Lana's implications. She tried to let go of her ego and evaluate honestly. 'I don't want people to be scared of me.'

'I know.'

'No, I mean - when I was a child, that's how I felt. That people were scared of me. Not the other Younglings so much, but the adults, the Jedi, the Caretakers ...' She thought of the looks in people's eyes, so similar to the ones she attracted everywhere in Odessen. 'I was a Chiss among Jedi, and I was strong in the Force. Very strong. They didn't know what to make of me. So I studied as hard as I could to try to turn myself into the perfect Jedi, so that that's how they would see me. But the faster I learned, the more I could sense their wariness. Their distrust.' She met Lana's calm golden gaze. 'I suppose trying to act as non-threatening as possible became something of a habit.'

'I understand,' Lana said gently. 'But all that saintly Jedi self-effacement - it can be alienating. People can sense that it's an effort on your part, and it can come across as condescension.' She gave Ellezhi a small smile. 'I pride myself on my unusual degree of patience and even I would have stabbed you repeatedly after more than a couple of days on Rishi, if I hadn't discovered you had a sense of humour.'

'I'm not like that with you!' 

'Oh?' Lana nodded back towards the pool. 'When we were in that hyperboreal cauldron and I pushed you underwater, you sensed what I was about to do, didn't you? You could have ducked me first, or moved away. But you didn't. You let me have my moment.'

Ellezhi winced, unable to deny the truth of what Lana was saying, although the words stung. 'That was a test?'

'No, I genuinely felt you deserved to be ducked in the freezing cold water. But it does illustrate my point rather neatly. I know you're stronger in the Force than I am, and I'm not intimidated by it in the least. You don't have to pander to me.'

'I'm not -' Lana raised an eyebrow, and Ellezhi bit off the words. The urge to immediately protest Lana's words, to deny that she was any stronger in the Force than the Sith, was powerful and deep-rooted, which rather unfortunately proved Lana's point. 'I'm sorry,' she said instead.

'Don't be sorry,' Lana said gently. 'It's part of who you are. But what I'm trying to say - although I'll admit to getting a little off-track - is that your somewhat naive belief that you should and can be the perfect Jedi, as you put it, is distorting your perspective on your current situation.'

Ellezhi frowned. 'How so?'

'You talked about the way you used to feel going into battle - no fear, no doubt, nothing but certainty.' Lana gestured back in the direction of the base. 'Tell me, how many people in the Alliance do you think get to live their lives that way? Soldiers knowing each battle could be their last - officers questioning every decision they make because it could lead to the death of those under their command - Jedi and Sith alike not blessed with your skills trying to deal with the truth that at any moment they could run into someone more powerful than they are - not to mention all the confusion and anxiety that comes with any kind of intimate relationship - friends, lovers, family. It's even worse for the people on this planet now that they have abandoned old structures, old certainties, to follow you and try to create something unprecedented. All of us are living each day under the shadow of doubts graver than any we've ever known before. You're no different.' Lana gave her a small, comforting smile. 'Yes, you're having a crisis of faith. You're questioning yourself for the very first time. But it's going to make you a better leader.'

'I'm not sure about that.'

'I am.' Lana reached out and covered Ellezhi's hand with her own. 'The men and women of the Alliance deserve a commander who shares their doubts and fears, not one who floats above them untouched. We're attempting something that has never been done before. The only way it's going to work is if we are all in it together.'

Ellezhi looked into Lana's face, simultaneously warmed and disquieted by her conviction, acutely aware of Lana's cool fingers covering her own. 

'You've lived a sheltered life, Jedi, despite all the battles you've fought,' Lana went on. 'Perhaps your power has protected you from ever having to question some of your assumptions and beliefs. You've suffered your first defeat, that's all. It just comes a little earlier to most of us.'

Ellezhi frowned. 'You're saying this is a test.'

Lana sighed, taking her hand away and turning to put more wood on the fire. 'What is it about Jedi training that makes all of you so obsessed by tests? Theron's the same, although he hides it better. The both of you act as if there's always some perfect, correct answer you should be able to find, someone out there in the stars giving you marks.' She shot Ellezhi a teasing, sidelong glance. 'The fates alone know what I've done to be cursed with two of you.'

'Well, what does Sith training teach you to be obsessed with?'

'Strife.' Lana looked back over her shoulder at Ellezhi, framed by the flames where she knelt by the fire. 'That if you're not struggling, not grappling with something that threatens to destroy you, you're not alive.'

Ellezhi sighed. 'In that case, I'm definitely alive.'

'Indeed, and as someone who spent much of the past five years with the galaxy attempting to convince her that you were dead, I know enough to be grateful for that even if you aren't.' Lana dusted off her hands and got up from where she knelt to sit beside Ellezhi again. 'Listen, I can't offer you a simple answer. But I can tell you two things. The first is that we're all having the same crisis in one way or another. It's simply that most of us have had five years to grow accustomed to it, and you have had barely five weeks. Including the days you spent unconscious on the Gravestone.'

'And the second?'

'The second is the way we get through it.' Lana folded her arms. 'If you want to feel like yourself again, then be yourself. Follow your instincts. Make decisions. Stop finding ways to tell yourself that you're not the leader of this Alliance.'

Ellezhi absorbed Lana's words, as heartened by her calm certainty as the words themselves. 'And Valkorian?'

'Well.' Lana frowned slightly. 'I wish I understood his presence in your mind better, or that I knew how to remove him. But there's too much we don't know. What we do know is that nothing he says can be trusted, and that nothing he wants can be allowed to come to pass.'

'You say that so calmly.' Ellezhi laced her fingers together. 'But what if the only way to defeat Arcann is to accept his help? Do I have the right to place my own moral purity above the chance to free the galaxy from Zakuul's tyranny?'

'It isn't only a matter of your moral purity. Whatever Valkorian wants from you, he certainly aims higher than the corruption of one Jedi. Even the Barsen'thor. We are talking about the being that devoured an entire planet's worth of life for little more than spite. His plans must be resisted.'

'Even if it means your life?' Ellezhi leaned forward to emphasize her words. 'I let you die on Zakuul, Lana.'

Lana frowned. 'I died? How curious that I'm still walking and talking.'

'How can you joke about this?' Ellezhi asked softly. 'You were disarmed. Surrounded. You had no time to summon a blast of Force lightning. There was nothing I could have done to save you. Except for accepting Valkorian's help, and I chose not to. If Senya hadn't arrived, that knight would have killed you.'

'Possibly,' Lana admitted. 'Or possibly I would have stabbed him with the vibroblade I keep in my boot.'

Ellezhi blinked. 'You keep a - what kind of Sith keeps a vibroblade in their boot?'

'The smart kind. So barely twenty of us. That was a joke,' Lana added at the look on Ellezhi's face. 'The point is that it was hardly the first time I have been disarmed and surrounded by enemies.'

'It isn't?'

'Remind me to tell you what the Academy on Korriban was like.' Lana shivered slightly. 'Or perhaps not. What I am trying to say is that Valkorian wants you to believe that he is in control of events. He isn't. I could have died, yes; or I could have found a way out of the situation; or you could have acted in time to save me. Or Senya could have arrived, which is, in fact, what did happen. Or Koth could have pressed the wrong button and fried us all with the Gravestone's engines, or the planet could have spontaneously imploded to balance out the galaxy after Makeb spectacularly failed to do so. There are a thousand possibilities. Valkorian wanted you to believe there were only two. And you have fallen into the trap of thinking as he wants you to.'

It made sense, and yet - 'It really doesn't concern you? That I chose to sacrifice your life?'

'On the contrary. I find it very encouraging.'

'You'll have to explain that.'

Lana smiled. 'You fear you made the decision to reject Valkorian's power because you are, at heart, cold and calculating and passionless. But I believe something quite different. I believe you rejected Valkorian's offer, despite all his manipulations, because you knew two things to be true.' She held up two fingers, then folded one down against her palm. 'One: You can't trust in anything Valkorian says.' She folded down the second. 'And two: You can trust in me.'

With her words, Ellezhi felt something that had been gripping her chest very tightly begin to uncoil. She hadn't known until this moment how much that other moment in the swamp had been haunting her - that moment, and the fear that if Lana knew about it, she would recoil from Ellezhi, that she would think there must be something wrong with the kind of being who could make that decision.

Instead, Lana had seen that moment through her own eyes and seen it differently, yet truthfully. Ellezhi wasn't certain that she could believe in Lana's interpretation of events, and yet: Just knowing that there was another way to understand what had happened, another way to understand her, seemed suddenly to open up space between her heart and the thing that had been pressing on it all these weeks.

'You still believe in me?' she asked, unable to stop herself from seeking reassurance.

'More than ever, perhaps.'

Greatly daring, Ellezhi reached out and did something she had so often longed to do, brushing Lana's sweep of blond hair aside where it fell across her forehead. It felt as soft beneath her fingers as she could have imagined. 'I couldn't bear you to have gone through everything you did for nothing.'

'You're anything but nothing,' Lana murmured, leaning in, and Ellezhi let her own head tilt, and they were kissing.

It was not like it had been on the Gravestone, nor even on Rishi and Yavin 4 so long ago, those stolen moments locked in each other's embrace, knowing that at any second they would have to tear apart, the threat of imminent discovery adding to the thrill. 

This was long, and slow, and quiet, no sound except the crackling of the fire, and the faint rustling of the breeze, and beneath both the silence that reminded them that they were miles away from anyone. Lana's hands cradled Ellezhi's face, her fingertips light as butterfly wings on her skin; Ellezhi let her own fingers get lost in Lana's hair, slid her other arm around Lana's waist, tentatively, yet growing bolder by the second. She leaned in further, losing herself in Lana's kiss, in Lana's scent, in the feeling of Lana's body beneath her clothes, in Lana, Lana, Lana ...

She felt the deliberate restraint of Lana's kiss slowly giving way to something more heated and in turn abandoned herself to that, unsure of how to initiate more, but meeting everything Lana gave her with an equal fervour as if trying to tell the other woman without words how achingly good this was. She grew impatient with the way the configuration of their bodies, seated side by side, limited how close they could get, and wriggled around to throw one leg over the tree trunk so that she could face Lana squarely and pull her closer.

Her knee met Lana's as the other woman tried to do the same thing, and the kiss dissolved into giggles and brushings of lips against cheeks and chin as they fumbled for position, ending up with both of them astride the tree trunk, Lana's thigh resting on top of Ellezhi's in a way that threw the Sith off-balance. Ellezhi slid both arms around Lana's waist now to keep her from sliding off; still laughing, still far too impatient to stop, their mouths met again. Ellezhi tightened her arms around Lana's waist, intoxicated with the feeling of pulling the other woman closer and closer; Lana made a sound deep in her throat, her own hand pressing hard against Ellezhi's lower back while the other tangled and tightened in her hair, their upper bodies moulding together ...

Ellezhi pulled away at the last possible second she felt she could, before there was nothing to do but give herself up to the feeling, gasping, turning her face away so that Lana's mouth came to rest on her jaw, her cheekbone before the Sith pulled back, too. 'I'm sorry, do you want to -'

'I think we'd better -'

There was another awkward moment as they both tried to swing their legs back over the tree trunk at the same time, but soon enough they were safely apart again, sitting side by side, both of them breathing rather hard. 'I'm sorry,' Lana said after a moment, sounding both apologetic and regretful. 'I forget sometimes how new all of this is to you. I should go slower.'

'No, that's not it. I mean, yes, it is new, and slow would be good. But that's not why I stopped.' Ellezhi took a moment to breathe, her lips still tingling from Lana's kiss. 'I do want to be with you,' she said shyly, thankful that the night hid the silvery blush she could feel on her cheeks from Lana's inconveniently sharp eyes. 'In all ways. But not while Valkorian is in my mind. We can't even open ourselves to each other properly while he's lurking, and if he chose an intimate moment between us to intrude into my thoughts ...' She imagined what it would be like, locked in Lana's embrace when suddenly the colour drained out of the world, all warmth replaced in an instant by that choking chill, and shuddered. 'It's important to me that this not be ... corrupt.' She tried to read Lana's expression. 'Is that all right?'

'Do you have to ask?'

'I suppose not.' She felt the shift in Lana's presence in the Force, and frowned. 'What is it?'

'I was just thinking ... Perhaps it would be best if we didn't see each other privately for a time. Don't misunderstand me,' Lana added quickly. 'This has nothing to do with my own inclinations. But if you feel like any relationship between us more intimate than that of commander and advisor exposes you, confuses you - if you think Valkorian might use it against you - it might be best if we kept things strictly professional, until we discover how to cleanse him from your mind.'

'It wouldn't matter. I mean, of course it would matter to me,' she added hurriedly as Lana's eyebrows arched. 'I just meant it wouldn't make a difference. Well, obviously it would make a big difference to me -'

'Do tell me again about what a marvellously skilled diplomat you are,' Lana invited her dryly, but she was smiling.

'I'm trying to say that I think it's too late for that. Even if you and I never touched again, never kissed - even if we went for the rest of our lives without being alone together - you'd still matter more to me than anyone, and Valkorian knows that.' She smiled ruefully. 'You and he have one thing in common; I can't get either one of you out of my head.'

'The last thing I want is to make things more complicated for you.'

'Lana, even if all I do is look at you across a conference table for the rest of time, you would still complicate things for me. The things you say, the way your mind works, your smile -' Ellezhi searched for words. 'From the first time I met you, you've had me doubting and guessing and questioning and imagining and yes, you make things complicated, but you also make them strange, and surprising, and wonderful, and I don't think there's anything that can change that.' She smiled, holding Lana's golden gaze with her own. 'Besides, weren't you just telling me that there are worse things than questioning old certainties?'

'I do say some very insightful things, it's true,' Lana agreed.

Ellezhi, tentatively, reached out and placed her hand on top of Lana's where it lay on her knee. 'Just the fact of you enriches my existence,' she said quietly. 'And there's nothing you can do about that.'

Lana lifted her palm so it met Ellezhi's, and laced their fingers together. They sat together quietly for a moment as the shadows danced over them, listening to the crackle and hiss of the dying fire. 'You know,' Lana said eventually, 'that was a very sweet, very naive thing you just said.'

'I'm glad you liked it.'

'So,' Lana said, tightening her fingers around Ellezhi's as if reluctant to let go. 'We go on.'

'Partners.'

'Commander and advisor,' Lana corrected, smiling.

Ellezhi shook her head at Lana's stubbornness. 'Just a not-so-wicked Sith -'

'- and her less-than-incorruptible Jedi.' Lana lifted Ellezhi's hand and pressed her lips against it swiftly, then, reluctantly, let go.

Ellezhi looked up at the sky and sighed, noting how low the moon had dropped. 'We should be getting back, or those sentries really will think you've kidnapped me.'

'Or Senya will be sending out a search party,' Lana agreed, getting up and skirting the fire to where the rest of their clothes and armour lay. 'We should get back to base just in time to horrify any personnel trying to sneak back to quarters after the celebration.'

Ellezhi sighed as she got up, too. 'When do you think we'll have the chance to come back here?'

Lana was buckling on her knee plates. 'Whenever you like. You are the commander.'

'No, I mean - really come back here.' She settled her chest piece in place across her shoulders and reached behind her to tighten the straps. 'Spend some real time. Lie out on the sand. We could even camp overnight.'

'Once you've fed Arcann his own lightsaber, I suppose,' Lana said matter-of-factly, shrugging on her own outer tunic; it was amazing how much bulkier it made her look. 'Which I hope takes place in summer, if you're serious about the camping.'

'I love camping,' Ellezhi said wistfully, tugging at a stiff buckle.

Lana rolled her eyes. 'I thought you might. Here.' She came up behind Ellezhi and took over the job of tightening her armour straps. 

Ellezhi reached out her hand, palm down, and concentrated, then slowly lowered her palm. As she did so, the fire sputtered and died, struggling uselessly against the smothering blanket of pressure she was bringing to bear on it, until the last flickers and embers faded to grey ash.

'Smooth,' Lana approved, finishing tightening Ellezhi's armour and stepping back. 'Carry this?' She handed Ellezhi the blankets and towel, and turned to pick up the thermal container.

As they gathered up the last of their things and climbed the slope towards the treeline, Ellezhi was conscious of feeling again that curious heaviness, as if she had just climbed out of the water and her muscles had forgotten how to take her weight; it was as if her responsibilities had settled back across her shoulders along with her armour. The base was still miles away, the lights hidden by the thick forest, and yet she could feel it tugging at her as it had not for the past few hours; all those lives, all those minds, all those fears. All those hopes.

Still, she felt a clarity which had completely eluded her when they had wound their way through the trees towards the pool, as if something had been out of alignment and was now focused. She did not look back at the pool as they left it behind; it was enough to know that it was there, the waterfall and the glassy surface and the silver sand. And would be, no matter what happened with Arcann and Zakuul and the Eternal Fleet, she thought suddenly, and again had that feeling of something settling back into place deep inside her. 

She had never known that one person could give another back to herself in this way. Obviously, it would have been less of a surprise to Lana, with her greater experience of attachments - and yet, would it? She knew so little about the Sith's past relationships, or her past in general. They had so much still to learn about each other; the reflection warmed her. So much to learn, and if the Force was with them, they would have time to learn it in. 

Still, there was one thing that would not wait. 'Lana?'

Ahead of her, Lana half-turned her head as she ducked beneath a low branch. 'Yes?'

'I have to know.' Ellezhi ducked beneath the same branch. 'Do you really keep a vibroknife in your boot?'

And for the second time that night, she heard Lana laugh out loud in the dark.


End file.
